If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
