Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
