Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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