I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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