Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
