apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize