i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it because I queefed?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
