I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
