omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
