You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
