if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Someone came in the potted fern
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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