It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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