Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mouth tastes like poor choices
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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