i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
