This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
