The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The best revenge is premature balding
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
