Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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