Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
