I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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