i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
