a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sext me about skeletons
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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