He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
