I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
