The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
