i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
