I faked an abortion last night.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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