Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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