there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
