It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
