He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
