God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
