At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
