I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
