i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
