Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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