how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
