I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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