i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
