I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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