Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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