I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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