Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
