My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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