Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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