Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
BRING THE BAGELS
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
