I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
