and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
