Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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