I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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