Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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