Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
