Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
