I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
