Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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