ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
