Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
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I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
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How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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