i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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