If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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