i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
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Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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