Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
