I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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