I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
