Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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