I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
