Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
